Managing my emotions as an empty nester

February break has passed. My youngest came home from Queens, which is about 3 hours away. I know many Moms have their kids in other countries, but this is the farthest one of my kids has ever gone for University, and it’s been quite the journey for us both. 

We are very connected and talk all the time. Having her come home near the end of her second year of university was just perfect for me. Although I do wish now we would have gone somewhere warm like we have the last few years, it was also good for her to just be home, in her bed, in the comforts and with us where we could just talk and watch TV together, get nails done together, go out for dinner and she could see her high school friends and catch up with other friends she hasn’t seen in a while.

Empty nesting, or “temporary” empty nesting as I call it (because they all come home at least for awhile after completing post-secondary education), has been interesting. I used to have people asking me often…”how are you”, in a very drawn out sad tone. And, I used to say…’oh I am fine”. But am I always fine? We’ve all heard that before too, right?

At first I was not fine. I have been through this 2 other times, but having the youngest child move away when no other kids were at home…well it wasn’t that fine for the first few weeks. There was this odd quietness in the home. Like something was missing. And it was…her presence, her love, her energy.

But as with everything else in life, we adapt. As humans, we always adapt. Our souls are meant to move forward and adjust and adapt to new circumstances. What I have truly learned is not to dwell in the negative, the sadness, yet to notice the feelings, feel all of them and then be in gratitude and love for whatever is happening.

I remember when my oldest child moved away for University. One of my friends said “Binu, think of how excited she is…think of her excitement”. And in that moment, I did just that. I put myself in her shoes and that helped me so much.

I still cried….but I allowed the emotions…not only was I going to miss her, I also cry during big steps in life…for them and for me. It’s emotional. I am an emotional being and now I know it’s my superpower. And the joke is for all of us parents…they literally come home 6 weeks after starting University. But it’s like this deeper emotional shift we all have to move through when the kids start growing up…making their own decisions, having to figure things out on their own.

What I know for sure is this -  that love is still the answer and feeling our emotions without dwelling on them is also the answer. I have trained myself to be in gratitude and feel and think from unconditional love over the last many years and I can say… it’s been life changing.

Somewhere along the line, the women before us, or the women on the shows and movies, taught us unconsciously to be deeply sad and stay deeply sad. I know as a young girl I was watching many soap operas and many romance movies. Oh and the infamous Sunday night movies. I would cry and cry and cry…they were so sad. I often would hide this side of me from my family, thinking I shouldn’t ‘cry so much’.

One day, in my 40s, through the coaching work I was doing, which was mainly to improve my relationships in my home, I realized the relationship with myself was actually the foundation of all other relationships. And so I dug deep and deeper and learned new tools and new ways to manage my emotions.

Now I can say so happily, I am a master at managing my emotions. I am a master at recognizing and being with them and moving through them. Not bypassing them, but working with them, moving through them and let me tell you, it’s so freeing.

I no longer suppress. As suppression makes us sick. When we hold on to emotions, they have to go somewhere. And when they stay in the body, they start to feel heavy and stuck.

So truly, I am here today, whether you are a temporary empty nester or have small kids…feel those emotions please, all of them. 

The happy ones, the sad ones, the ones that make no sense….if you know you know.

Feel the all.

As when you feel them, you free them.

Then carry on in life and remember.

The goal is joy.

Sometimes you have to move through the lower vibe emotions to get to the joy, but all in all, the goal is always joy.

I am a woman with big dreams and at 55 those dreams are not slowing down, they are coming in plenty. Part of stepping in more and showing up more boldly in my work is feeling these emotions. It's what is meant for me in this lifetime and so I am here for it all.

Love always,

Binu